It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
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He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
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We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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