I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
