Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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