so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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