If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
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Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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