there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
