she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
