I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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