just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
