i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
