Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
