new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
