I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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