thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
