I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
