I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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