I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
