I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
