If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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