i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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