Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
