she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
