no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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