Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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