my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
