remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
and eventually we just all took our pants off
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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