I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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