I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
