now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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