I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
