you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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