I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
