I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
