just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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