My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
