Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i was born a porn star she said
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
