I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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