just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
