I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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