I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
