I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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