He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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