After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
