I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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