What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
