I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
