When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
