Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
