I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
