if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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