I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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