I'm jealous of your bromance
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
