sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
