Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
