The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
