come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
