My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
a search helicopter?!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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